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Old 01-11-2006, 01:30 PM   #1
Twist the Grip, Let'r Rip
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Things people don't know about Chuck Norris..

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because
he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can
kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to
punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by
Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked
bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have
increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil,
who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn
baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the
farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more
that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's
throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and
five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard
that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".
Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus'
obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted
from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer
only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him
kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby
60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could
turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however,
so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon,
since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes
it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but
that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this beverage as Red Bull.
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Old 01-11-2006, 01:51 PM   #2
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I didn't read the whole thing but my dad is a radiologist at MD Anderson and says he see's Chuck every once in awhile.
Koskesh....RIP Brotha.... 4/22/07
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Old 01-11-2006, 02:25 PM   #3
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that was pretty funny...he does a lot of roadhouse kicking
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Old 01-11-2006, 03:13 PM   #4
C'Mon... Building 7
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i remember i went to a sparring meet like when i was 12yrs old (when i was into karate)... actually saw chuck norris get his whooped by bill wallace! was some funny ....
We must use terror, assassination, intimidation, land confiscation, and the cutting of all social services to rid Galilee of its Arab population.
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Last edited by Petro; 01-11-2006 at 03:22 PM.
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Old 01-11-2006, 03:40 PM   #5
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lol do you play World Of Warcraft too ? seesm all the CN stuff is popular as right now
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
--Albert Einstein
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Old 01-11-2006, 04:39 PM   #6
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The internet loves Chuck Norris.

When exactly did he get his popularity back?
If dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting!
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Old 01-11-2006, 04:42 PM   #7
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chuck norris !
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Old 01-11-2006, 07:05 PM   #8
i loop spreader circles
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thats awesome! i made it a bulletin on myspace....
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Old 01-11-2006, 07:35 PM   #9
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that is funny......RED
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Old 01-11-2006, 07:43 PM   #10
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Tom... I guess you were listening to The BUZZ this morning too, lol.
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Old 01-11-2006, 08:09 PM   #11
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