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|11-30-2007, 03:02 AM||#1|
Are you ready to have children?
TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN:
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
To discover how the nights will feels:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4.Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6.Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
2. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Get ready to go out
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent.
If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.
Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.
5. How does that look?
Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly.
Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional
crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there's a child in the room.
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:
1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
6. Do not change, you have no time.
7. Go directly to work
You are now ready to have kids.
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|11-30-2007, 08:38 AM||#5|
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Cypress, TX
Test 9 FTW!!!
I can relate to most of this. I am so glad my one and only little princess is 10 now. I gets a lot easier after they turn 8 or so.
Only a biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window!
|11-30-2007, 08:40 AM||#6|
what R you lookin' at?
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Richmond, Tx
Feedback Rating: (26)
Experience: 10+ years
2015 Ducati Monster 1200S
'14 Honda GROM! 181cc of fury!!-SOLD
'10 Aprilia Tuono Factory-SOLD
'08 Busa - sold
A few more sold
your never really ever ready to have kids, thats why we have a 2nd on the way.........lol
2015 Ducati Monster 1200S
|11-30-2007, 09:14 AM||#8|
Mayor of Coggerville
|11-30-2007, 09:20 AM||#11|
Mayor of Coggerville
|11-30-2007, 09:32 AM||#15|
A Real Nice Guy?
Join Date: Oct 2007
2006 CBR 1000rr
Whoever wrote that is not from our Country!!!
A Legend in the Minds of a Few !!!
|11-30-2007, 01:46 PM||#16|
You betta prey you don't have yourself a little girl then cause as sure as bears sh#t in the woods, she will twist you round her little finger like you've NEVER been twisted before
Wouldn't swap my two for the world but that may change when they start dating !!!!!
|11-30-2007, 01:50 PM||#19|
Join Date: Aug 2005
Feedback Rating: (11)
ahhh...it is not all that bad...but no one is ever ready to have kids...you kinda just gotta jump right in and do the best you can and hope they turn out better than you did,lol.
|11-30-2007, 01:56 PM||#20|
All day long I'm shufflin
Join Date: Mar 2006
Feedback Rating: (3)
Experience: 10+ years
06 honda vtx 1300
06 Busa limited. sold
2 Gixxer 600. sold
85 Honda Hurricane. sold
56 Triumph, 64 BSA, Thunderbolt, 66 BSA Lightning Bolt, 64 Honda Scrambler. all sold
Kids are a blast.. and grand kids even better... babies are the best..talk about a new born puppy that is so helpless so loving so fine.. just like new babies.... hope i live to see great grand kids.. i will have them so spoiled.. they stinkk..... talk about what goes around comes around.... gottcha....
What part of "I Don't Care", Don't you Understand?