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Old 01-19-2006, 10:13 PM   #1
Petro
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SURVIVAL GUIDE TO TAKING A T AT WORK ! ! ! !

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can in peace.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

CRACK
A crapper that has seen more than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK include pubes, stains and streaks. Avoid a CRACK at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK can become a SAFE HAVEN.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing , several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite . This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your entering the bathroom.

BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

WATERMELON
A that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

ADDITIONS FROM -Todd

THE STALEMATE
Is when you and another guy are in the stall at the same time, and neither of you wants to first, which leads to the ICEBREAKER

THE ICEBREAKER
The first one to drop a bomb when there is an aforementioned STALEMATE... be careful how ever, you don't want to get caught up in a FALSE START

FALSE START
When you hear someone go into the stall next to you, and you perform an ICEBREAKER to get the outta there, but they were really just getting TP for blowing their nose.

THE WALLET-CHECKER
Aimilar to the LABEL-READER (reading labels of cleaners or air-fresheners located around the throne) at home, when you forget to bring something to read in the stall, you are limited to checking your wallet to see what needs to be thrown out, how much money you have (reading serial numbers on paper money optional), old pictures, etc...

THE PROMOTION-KILLER
After you drop a bomb, you come out of the stall to see your CEO, or boss, washing their hands or doing whatever in the bathroom, the smell of your exorcism still lingering in the air, you will go nowhere in this company, get another job.
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Old 01-20-2006, 08:49 AM   #2
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Old 01-20-2006, 09:12 AM   #3
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lets not forget:

POO PEEPER
a pooper which upon entering begins scoping the interior of the urinals by peeping through the cracks along the doors of the stalls. If eye contact is made with a POO PEEPER, commense an ICE BREAKER maneuver, and get the out while holding on to at least an ounce of dignity!
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We must use terror, assassination, intimidation, land confiscation, and the cutting of all social services to rid Galilee of its Arab population.
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Old 01-20-2006, 09:55 AM   #4
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way too much to read about taking a
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Old 01-20-2006, 10:03 AM   #5
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I am the expert at pooping at work!

I found the safe haven too! I totally could have written this, but I never cared to share my wisdom.
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Old 01-20-2006, 10:12 AM   #6
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ima OUT-OF-CLOSET pooper myself... i dont have a safe haven, but it dont really matter, cause ill anywhere!
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We must use terror, assassination, intimidation, land confiscation, and the cutting of all social services to rid Galilee of its Arab population.
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Old 01-20-2006, 10:16 AM   #7
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I'd prefer that bathroom attendants applauded or at least acknowledge a good poo when I drop one.
If he hears a splash or see's that I've gassed everyone else out of the room a nice nod on the way out would be sufficent.
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Old 01-20-2006, 10:16 AM   #8
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dammit man.... just did a FLY BY at the office , pulled a POO PEEPER maneuver, and both stalls were occupied!... man i gotta really bad!
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We must use terror, assassination, intimidation, land confiscation, and the cutting of all social services to rid Galilee of its Arab population.
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Old 01-20-2006, 10:19 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Swift E
I'd prefer that bathroom attendants applauded or at least acknowledge a good poo when I drop one.
If he hears a splash or see's that I've gassed everyone else out of the room a nice nod on the way out would be sufficent.

dam... u got an attendant... thats sweet. attendants are like the president of the P.F.N. (pooping freinds network)... usually when they sense some raunchy t about to commense they'll start a water faucet, and spray some air-freshner.
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We must use terror, assassination, intimidation, land confiscation, and the cutting of all social services to rid Galilee of its Arab population.
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Old 01-20-2006, 10:35 AM   #10
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dam... u got an attendant... thats sweet. attendants are like the president of the P.F.N. (pooping freinds network)... usually when they sense some raunchy t about to commense they'll start a water faucet, and spray some air-freshner.
Those are the Pros your talking 'bout.
I'm talkn 'bout @ the club, the bumbs who chose to work for the club instead of asking for money out front. These are the guys who need to put forth a little more effort into poo recognization
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Old 01-20-2006, 12:06 PM   #11
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lol great post
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Old 01-20-2006, 01:35 PM   #12
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:laughing6 :laughing6 :laughing6 :laughing6:laughing6 :laughing6
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Old 01-20-2006, 11:23 PM   #13
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bahahaha! that was good. i suppose at work does take a little technique.
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Old 01-21-2006, 03:02 AM   #14
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after reading all that i think i am going to go take a fat .... lol
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