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|01-17-2006, 04:47 PM||#1|
Join Date: Aug 2005
Feedback Rating: (1)
Experience: 6 years
New Rules for 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky b*st*rds.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man , they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole aisle
of this at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavoured
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his a** will
be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing
that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had s*x
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.
I'll keep my freedom, my guns and my money and you can keep The Change!
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|01-17-2006, 05:21 PM||#3|
the necessary villain
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: The Hideout
Feedback Rating: (1)
Experience: 5 years
'04 R6, '05 70, '04 fiddy!
|01-17-2006, 07:30 PM||#5|
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: SW Side (SugarLand/Houston Border)
Feedback Rating: (0)
that last one had me laughing my off! :laughing6
CMRA Sprints #486
TMGP Endurance #46
"Scientists discover the world that exists; Engineers create the world that never was."