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Old 01-28-2008, 12:47 PM   #21
Grinchy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maskale View Post
Subject: Tetanus shot


The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch; then
starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
"Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out
of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the are you going?"

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why,
what the do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a tetanus shot."
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Old 01-28-2008, 12:50 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ninja nana View Post
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: because they are not called himacanes


THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: the organ between a mans legs.Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
Female: A woman who is sick of men
Male: A woman who has with other women so men can watch.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
Female: incredibly dangerous during a storm
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took
over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: when a man walks in when she is on the toilet
Male: Playing cricket without a box.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: Telling him no and him saying "yes dear"
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
with the lads.

() n.
Female: The guys who stand on the corner with a sign instead of getting a job.
Male: The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: something your family does when you've gone nuts.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: riding, raceing, skiing, tubing and fishing. Dayme I sound like a guy.
Male: Anything with one ball, two wheels, or three stooges.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: What a husband does just before he fluffs the covers.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: something scientists are still trying to formulate.
Male: What men have to call "" to get women to .
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Old 01-28-2008, 01:46 PM   #23
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Ha ha! You all are on a roll today!
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Old 01-28-2008, 02:45 PM   #24
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hahhaha funny
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Old 01-28-2008, 02:59 PM   #25
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A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid,
I'll have nothing left to live for."
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Old 01-28-2008, 06:15 PM   #26
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."





A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about women
drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a
woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This
must be a sign from that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree wit h you completely; this
must be a sign from ! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be
allowed to drive. The woman continues,

'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely wants us to
drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Then she hands the
bottle to the man.
The
man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and
then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands
it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY
Women are clever, evil . Don't mess with them.
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Old 01-28-2008, 07:55 PM   #27
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i heard scientist in japan have developed a camera with the fastest shutter speed ever recorded. it was actually able to capture a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!!!!
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Old 01-29-2008, 04:02 AM   #28
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Romance and getting it right !!!!!!!!

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

You time your so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

Passionate, spontaneous on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

Foreplay is to as:
a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

A woman who is uncomfortable watching you :
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

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Old 01-29-2008, 04:15 AM   #29
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The real meaning behind the self descriptions in personal ads:

THE WOMEN
Adventurerous: Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic: Flat-chested
Average looking: Ugly
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin
Educated: College dropout
Emotionally Secure: Medicated
Feminist: Fat ball buster
Free spirit: Substance user
Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as a
Fun: Annoying
Gentle: Comatose
Good Listener: Borderline Autistic
New-Age: All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded: Desperate ()
Outgoing: Loud
Passionate: Loud
Poet: Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional: Real
Romantic: Looks better by candlelight
Reubenesque: Grossly Fat
Voluptuous: Very Fat
Weight proportional to height: Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate: One step away from stalking
Young at heart: Toothless crone


The Men
40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Free Spirit: Sleeps with your sister
Honest: Pathological Liar
Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Poet: Has written on a bathroom stall
Stable: Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Maybe you can finish this off ninja nana
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Old 01-29-2008, 09:42 AM   #30
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Why women have shorter feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink......is natural selection and evolution at work, folks!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Weird Lady
Mucus Membrane!
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Old 01-29-2008, 09:44 AM   #31
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12 at noon, on an intersection, going east to west a guy driving his car runs the red light and hits a woman going northbound who had the green light?


Who's at fault?

















































































The woman.....she should've been at home cooking and cleaning.
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