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Old 12-14-2007, 11:41 PM   #1
04RSVR
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a few funnies, feel free to add your own

A guy calls a company and orders their 5 day/5kg. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful and sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 10 kg. as promised..

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Nigel. If I catch you, you're mine..
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Old 12-14-2007, 11:41 PM   #2
04RSVR
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OJ simpson finaly goes to !
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to , where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I have a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and
Surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in .

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was George Bush Sr. With a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this
Is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton , lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
Does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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Old 12-14-2007, 11:42 PM   #3
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Bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 double whiskeys. Downs them in 1. bar man says 'whats up?' 'my youngest son just told me he's gay'. next day he goes in and orders 15 double whiskeys 'whats up now' asks the barman. ' just found out my oldest son is gay' hereplies. next day he does in and orders 20 whiskeys. '**** me' says the bar man 'does no one in your family like *****?' 'yes' he replies. 'my wife'
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Old 12-14-2007, 11:42 PM   #4
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The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
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Old 12-14-2007, 11:43 PM   #5
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an octopus walks into a bar and says 'i can play and musical instrument you like. Enlishman gives him a guitar which he plays like Jimmy Hendrix. Irish man gives him a piano which he plays like Elton John. Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes, the octopus fumbles about for a bit and the scotsman asks 'what's wrong? can ye no play it?' the octopus says 'play it? im gunna **** her brains out once i ger her pajamas off!!'
__________
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Old 12-14-2007, 11:44 PM   #6
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Oldie but goodie
-------------------------
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much
luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a
'for sale' sign on it.


The bike seems even better than a new one, although it
is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint
condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the
seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10
years.


"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller,
"whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain,
rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the
rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.


That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over
to meet her parents.


Naturally, they take the bike there.


But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him
and says, "I have to tell you something about my
family before we go in." When we eat dinner, we don't
talk.


In fact, the first person who says anything during
dinner has to do the dishes."


"No problem," he says. And in they go.


Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the
living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.


In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.


Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he
looks, dirty dishes.


They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says
a word.


As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of
the situation.


So he leans over and kisses Sandra.


No one says a word.


So he reaches over and fondles her .


Still, nobody says a word.


So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off,
throws her on the table, and has his way with her
right there, in front of her parents.


His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits
back down, but no one says a word.


He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he
thinks.


So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table,
and has his way with her every which way right there
on the dinner table.


Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling,
but still, total silence.


All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and
it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls
the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.


Suddenly the father backs away from the table and
shouts,


"All right, thats enough, I'll do the ****ing dishes!"
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"It is better to ride a slow bike fast, than a fast bike slow." -- Mann
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Old 12-15-2007, 12:37 AM   #7
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in for a read tomorrow...
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Old 12-15-2007, 01:01 AM   #8
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hahaha I love the octopus one.
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Old 12-15-2007, 01:24 AM   #9
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He.He.He.He.He...
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Old 12-15-2007, 03:02 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 04RSVR View Post
OJ simpson finaly goes to !
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to , where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I have a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and
Surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in .

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was George Bush Sr. With a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this
Is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton , lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
Does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."


Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly. Everybody starts screaming, panicking etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "**** the women."
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"
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Old 12-15-2007, 03:07 AM   #11
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How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
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Old 12-15-2007, 08:50 AM   #12
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ride my neighbors harley cuz he doesnt ride it







good jokes but they are too long for me to remember to try and tell em to someone.
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Old 12-17-2007, 10:32 AM   #13
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a guy walks into his house carrying a duck, then he goes to the bedroom where his wife is, looks at her and says heres the pig iv been f***ing, she looks at him confused and says but hunny thats not a pig, thats a duck, and he then says i know i wasnt talking to you
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