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Old 11-30-2007, 03:02 AM   #1
Grinchy
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Are you ready to have children?

TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN:


Test 1

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feels:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4.Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6.Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

2. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6

Get ready to go out

1. Wait

2. Go out the front door

3. Come back in again

4. Go out

5. Come back in again

6. Go out again

7. Walk down the front path

8. Walk back up it

9. Walk down it again

10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

12. Retrace your steps

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent.

If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.

Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.

4. Cover the stains with crayon.

5. How does that look?

Test 12

Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly.

Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional

crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there's a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:

1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

2. Stir

3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

6. Do not change, you have no time.

7. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have kids.
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Old 11-30-2007, 05:36 AM   #2
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Wow, if any of that is as bad for someone as this makes it sound, I feel sorry for them. None of that is accurate for me.
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Old 11-30-2007, 07:21 AM   #3
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no need to take test, I know i am not ready.
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Old 11-30-2007, 08:23 AM   #4
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Old 11-30-2007, 08:38 AM   #5
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Test 9 FTW!!!

I can relate to most of this. I am so glad my one and only little princess is 10 now. I gets a lot easier after they turn 8 or so.
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Old 11-30-2007, 08:40 AM   #6
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your never really ever ready to have kids, thats why we have a 2nd on the way.........lol
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Old 11-30-2007, 08:44 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cogs69 View Post
Wow, if any of that is as bad for someone as this makes it sound, I feel sorry for them. None of that is accurate for me.

whew that's a relief!

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Old 11-30-2007, 09:14 AM   #8
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whew that's a relief!

Yea no kidding. I always hear horror stories. My daughter (if she isn't feeling bad) only gets up once a night. She cries when she is hungry, that is about all. Eats good, laughs all the time, and even when she is ill she isn't tempermental, she just wakes up a couple times more. There is hope, not all of the babies out there are that bad.
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Old 11-30-2007, 09:16 AM   #9
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LMAO... i wish i had these test BEFORE my 3 boys... #10 is so fkn true though! But they forgot about the Doodlebops, Little Einsteins, and Handy Manny!
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Old 11-30-2007, 09:17 AM   #10
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Old 11-30-2007, 09:20 AM   #11
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Quote:
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thank i came up with a solution........children are required to live in cages until their first day of school....after which they are free to roam the backyard with no restrictions.
that explains your problem.......
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Old 11-30-2007, 09:21 AM   #12
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Old 11-30-2007, 09:22 AM   #13
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Quote:
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its only a problem if you see it that way!
CPS wants to know your phone number and where you live at now so they can alredy have you on file!
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Old 11-30-2007, 09:26 AM   #14
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umm....
There is no way I'll let my kids eat like that in the truck! Oh and they will not be riding in my honey's car, so he thinks.
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Old 11-30-2007, 09:32 AM   #15
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Whoever wrote that is not from our Country!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by cogs69 View Post
Wow, if any of that is as bad for someone as this makes it sound, I feel sorry for them. None of that is accurate for me.

Quotes: Chocolate bisquits, Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, now when do we says this?
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Old 11-30-2007, 01:46 PM   #16
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thank i came up with a solution........children are required to live in cages until their first day of school....after which they are free to roam the backyard with no restrictions.

You betta prey you don't have yourself a little girl then cause as sure as bears sh#t in the woods, she will twist you round her little finger like you've NEVER been twisted before

Wouldn't swap my two for the world but that may change when they start dating !!!!!
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Old 11-30-2007, 01:49 PM   #17
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I want kids some day........i think it would be a wonderful experience........
could i sound any gayer.....lol........just being honest
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Old 11-30-2007, 01:49 PM   #18
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i'm so scared to have kids. I know i was a little brat! What goes around, comes around.
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Old 11-30-2007, 01:50 PM   #19
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ahhh...it is not all that bad...but no one is ever ready to have kids...you kinda just gotta jump right in and do the best you can and hope they turn out better than you did,lol.
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Old 11-30-2007, 01:56 PM   #20
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ahhh...it is not all that bad...but no one is ever ready to have kids...you kinda just gotta jump right in and do the best you can and hope they turn out better than you did,lol.


Kids are a blast.. and grand kids even better... babies are the best..talk about a new born puppy that is so helpless so loving so fine.. just like new babies.... hope i live to see great grand kids.. i will have them so spoiled.. they stinkk..... talk about what goes around comes around.... gottcha....
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