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Old 01-26-2007, 06:44 PM   #1
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Old 01-26-2007, 06:44 PM   #2
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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD ???

> GEORGE W BUSH
> We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
>
>
> COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
>
>
> HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
>
>
> JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
>
>
> RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a
gas-guzzling SUV.
>
>
> PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
>
>
> RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll l bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans
take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.
>
>
> MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
>
>
> DR SEUSS
> Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
>
>
> ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
>
>
> MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
>
>
> GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
>
>
> BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
>
>
> JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
>
>
> ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
>
>
> KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
>
>
> CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
>
>
> SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
>
>
> BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
>





>
> ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?








>
>
> BILL CLINTON
> I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

>
> AL GORE
I invented the chicken!







>
>
> COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
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Old 01-26-2007, 06:45 PM   #3
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Canoe race

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .
The End
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Old 01-26-2007, 06:47 PM   #4
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Conversations

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#1

One day, a husband came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up,: she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

#2

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.,

#3.

A Polish immigrant when to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?' the optician asked.
"Read it" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

#4

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank ," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

#5

"Careful," he said "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my !You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my
! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful....CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Old 01-26-2007, 06:54 PM   #5
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in the kitchen

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

he is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks in.

She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

***************************************
pizza ordering

http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927

turn on speakers

**********************************

>A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
>by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
>young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
>Sergeant Major for conversation. Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem
>to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you? " Negative, ma'am.
>Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and
>decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action." Yes,
>ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a
>conversation, said You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and
>enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious
>manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
>this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had ?" 1955, ma'am.
>"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
>everything so seriously! I mean, no since 1955! She took his hand
>and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax him several
>times." Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare
>chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The
>Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
>"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
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Old 01-26-2007, 06:58 PM   #6
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"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would f*ck you twice!"

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