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Old 11-24-2011, 09:29 AM   #1
kd5qoq
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Tools explained

For you fellow craftsmen…

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks
you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to
it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle... It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to
remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces
that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on
the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50
cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying
to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids
in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a *%! Tool:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "Son of a*%! " at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will
need.

Happy Thanksgiving Folks!
__________________
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Kroger plus member
Only documented case of "self induced shaken baby syndrome".
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:07 AM   #2
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Old 11-24-2011, 12:27 PM   #3
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. Happy Thanksgiving.
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Old 11-25-2011, 12:43 AM   #4
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awsome
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:16 PM   #5
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I'm sending this out to a bunch of my fellow "handymen." Thanks!
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Old 11-25-2011, 02:16 PM   #6
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A+ Thread, will read again for future references. Thanks
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