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Old 05-05-2006, 08:45 PM   #1
elemental2
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Jokes .....

I know theres some good jokes out there and funny stuff post any you find


Useful Military Warnings


"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher


"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army


"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop


"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal


"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.


"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual


"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal


"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance


Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal


"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth


"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal


"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay


"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon


"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit


"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies


How do you tell the difference between Liberals, Conservatives and
Southerners?


Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.

Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You
are carrying a Glock .40, with a full clip, and you are an expert shot. You
have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?




Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man
look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the
kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an
appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and
what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it
possible he'd be happy with killing just me? Does he definitely want to kill
me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We
need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few
days and try to come to a consensus.


Conservative Answer:

BANG!



Southerner's Answer :

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
rackety-click...(sounds of reloading).
Wife: "Hun, he looks like he's still moving, whadda y'all kids think?"
Son: "Mama's right Daddy, I saw it, too."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"



CBS News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ," said the Marine."

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the . The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9-mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ?"

What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal call ME the aggressor?"

Last edited by elemental2; 05-05-2006 at 08:53 PM.
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Old 05-06-2006, 09:30 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elemental2
I know theres some good jokes out there and funny stuff post any you find


Useful Military Warnings


"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher


"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army


"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop


"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal


"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.


"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual


"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal


"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance


Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal


"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth


"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal


"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay


"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon


"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit


"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies


How do you tell the difference between Liberals, Conservatives and
Southerners?


Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.

Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You
are carrying a Glock .40, with a full clip, and you are an expert shot. You
have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?




Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man
look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the
kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an
appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and
what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it
possible he'd be happy with killing just me? Does he definitely want to kill
me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We
need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few
days and try to come to a consensus.


Conservative Answer:

BANG!



Southerner's Answer :

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
rackety-click...(sounds of reloading).
Wife: "Hun, he looks like he's still moving, whadda y'all kids think?"
Son: "Mama's right Daddy, I saw it, too."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"



CBS News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ," said the Marine."

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the . The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9-mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ?"

What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal call ME the aggressor?"
the last joke was a killer!! :laughing6 :laughing6
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Old 05-06-2006, 07:30 PM   #3
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im not a midget , i was actually born with a type of dwarfism, but i took medication for 12 yrs to reach just 5'6"
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